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Does someone you love have Borderline Personality Disorder? Are you in a relationship with a difficult person? Does this person rage at you for no reason at all? Is everything always Your fault? Do you feel lied to and manipulated? Do you believe that there is nowhere to turn? When Hope is Not Enough (Whine) is here to help. Whine provides a step-by-step plan for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder (Bpd) or Bpd traits. Whine can help rebuild your relationship and help you create a calmer life. Learn how to live with and love someone with Bpd. The second edition brings 33% more material, skills and advanced tools. Readers of the first edition will find new approaches, detailed explanations and much more material.
- Sales Rank: #798090 in Books
- Published on: 2015-10-22
- Released on: 2015-10-22
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x .63" w x 6.00" l, .83 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 252 pages
Most helpful customer reviews
113 of 120 people found the following review helpful.
Hope might not be enough, but this book helped me hang onto what little bit I had left.
By Susan P
In Oct 2007, I was at my wits end and ready to walk away from my raging husband after 4 months of marriage. He had been in therapy for over a year, yet still raging almost daily, beating himself half to death, lying to me about the most ridiculous stuff and destroying our home. All this chaos was causing my 2 teenagers to alienate me out of fear of him. As a Project Manager, I had participated in many classes and seminars on effective communication in the workplace through my job, but it seemed that nothing I tried worked with my husband... most of the time, it only seemed to make things worse. I truly felt helpless. I knew I loved him and I fully understood the complexity of this disorder and how my own (natural) reactions to his behavior contributed to the dynamics of our relationship, but I also realized I didn't have what it took to provide the healthy and supportive home environment I knew he needed in order to heal from his past.
At the urging of my own therapist (whom I had retained for my own sanity), I decided to join an online support group for loved ones of people who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. I found a group called Anything To Stop The Pain (ATSTP). As time went by (with me lurking in the group), I realized that the founder of the group (Ben Dobbs, the author of this book) was promoting a very similar approach with group members that my husband's therapist was using with him during their sessions. I got more involved with the group and learned how to use this approach, at home, with my husband (and, consequently, with other family members also.)
Ten months later, I'm happy to say that my husband's raging has reduced to, maybe, once every few months and the intensity is nothing like before --- despite the fact that he hasn't been attending therapy on as regular a basis as I had understood was necessary for improving his emotional health. We are finally enjoying the closeness we both wanted in our marriage. My house feels and looks like a home again (rather than a battlefield) and my kids are back to spending more time with us again. He is slowly changing his maladaptive coping methods to more healthy ones... and working out his past by using this same approach with his own family. It feels good to get genuine apologies (versus "FINE! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!") and 'thank you's' (versus daily blaming and projecting) for my patience and understanding.
I have read many books on this disorder. I found 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' to be quite validating to my feelings as a loved one (a NON) to a borderline. In that sense, it was very healing for me, personally, but it didn't help me improve my relationship. 'I Hate You, Don't Leave Me', 'Sometimes I Act Crazy' and 'Get Me Out of Here' were beneficial to me in that they helped remind me that my husband's erratic behaviors really were not about me at all. From my personal experience, this book is the next progressive step for those who recognize that they cannot FIX their borderline loved one, yet still have a smidgen of hope that there is a way to find peace and harmony with this person IN their life.
I have read the book and it amazes me how so much valuable information can be condensed into such a quick and easy read. It is written in a style that most anyone can understand and it is filled with useful examples on how to use this approach in everyday situations we all face with highly emotional people. Used correctly, the information provided in this book can help you improve your relationship right now... not next year, not next month, TODAY.
I highly recommend it for anyone who truly wants to learn how to effectively communicate with someone (spouse, parent, child, friend, co-worker or boss) who is struggling with an emotional regulation disorder. You don't have to give up your rights or go without getting your needs met anymore to stay in this relationship! And the nice thing is, it doesn't require therapy or counseling to be successful. All you need is an open mind and a desire to try something different... something that works!
37 of 37 people found the following review helpful.
A "Rosetta Stone" for Dealing with Family Member with BPD That Has Given Me Hope and Understanding
By Book Lover
I have been on a "journey" now for 5 years trying to understand what was happening with my young daughter who has now been diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder (BPD). I have read vast amounts of literature on this topic and have been in counseling for my family during this time. I found this book to be a "Rosetta Stone" in offering me specific techniques and skills for dealing with my daughter so I can better understand her and communicate with her.
This book far surpasses many that I have read in that it offers specific ways that the person who does not have the disorder can better communicate with the person who has the disorder. By reducing the conflict and emotional dysregulation in these interactions, this can actually help the person with BPD to reduce their symptoms.
As soon as I started reading this book, I was able to immediately implement the techniques into my household and I automatically started seeing a difference because I was changing the way I was interacting with her. I still have much to learn and the author said it took him a full two years to master the tools that he provides.
What is so amazing about this book is that the author is not a professional counselor or medical practitioner but instead he is the father of a child with BPD traits and he also has a spouse with BPD. So he has actually learned these techniques as a result of living in the situation.
I can't say enough good things about this book in terms of how it has helped me change how I interact with my daughter and how this has greatly helped to increase the peace in our household. Mr. Dobb's techniques have helped me to "validate" my daughter's feelings and emotions whereas in the past I didn't realize or understand how my actions were not helping the situation.
The book has been like a "Rosetta Stone" in terms of helping to "translate" the language of very emotionally sensitive daughter. Mr. Dobbs also has a web site called "Anything to Stop the Pain."
Some of the most important insights coming out the book is that people with BPD are not deliberately trying to hurt their family members. It is just that their emotions are so painful that they have a hard time controlling them. Once you can realize that this is not personal and that interacting with them in another way can reduce their emotional dysregulation, it makes life easier. It is still a struggle but at least it gives one more understanding as well as tools and techniques to work with. Mr. Dobbs has just come out with a new ebook called "Beyond Boundaries" that is available on his web site.
92 of 105 people found the following review helpful.
Advice for how to tolerate a BP
By N. Luckhurst
It is important for readers to remember that this book was written by someone with no medical or mental healthcare related credentials- as the author acknowledges. Unfortunately, his advice about how to cope with and manage a relationship with a "BP" (someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD)) falls short. There is no real possibility for a "Non" (someone who does not suffer from BPD who is in a relationship with a BP) to have a healthy relationship with a BP unless the BP recognizes their need for (and seeks) professional help. Following the advice in this book, you might reduce the intensity of any volatile and upsetting interactions with a BP, but you will never eliminate them nor will you create a normal relationship with the BP. You will expend significant time and energy adapting your behavior to accommodate their disordered and often abusive behavior, and you will need to continue this for the duration of your relationship with the BP. In this book, you are advised to essentially overlook or set aside what is widely accepted as verbal abuse from the BP- not good advice for anyone who wants to maintain any sense of self-esteem or normalcy, and irresponsible if you have children who witness or overhear these encounters. In the case of the BP being a dependent child, this book may help you keep your sanity as you fulfill your parental duties, but in the case of chosen relationships, this book basically teaches you to accept a non-fulfilling, hurtful relationship where your needs are inconsequential as you commit to living your life around the BP's disordered thinking and behaviors. Nons need to recognize that there is NOTHING they can do or say to heal a BP, and the question they need to consider is: Do I want to commit myself to a relationship where my role is to repeatedly sidestep or overlook the BP's disordered thinking and outbursts? If your answer to this question is "yes", then you may find this book useful. I would hope that most people who read this book recognize that its "tools" are really instructions for sacrificing one's own true happiness and well-being for their BP- who does not even understand (or care) that they are doing so. This is the reality of dealing with a BP, and while calmness is always a preferable state, it does not in itself constitute a healthy, loving relationship.
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